Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Time. Stands. Still.

Whatever had been, whatever will be, has been consumed in the pulsing throb of now. One day I know I will talk and laugh without this heaviness. One day I will again plan vacations, watch movies, shop at Gap.com. These things hold no interest to me now. Each meal I eat, each book I read, each joke I share is a little flat, a little sad for this knowledge that has changed our lives forever. My breaths are prayers, my laughs are cries for help, my time seems wasted if it's not with him, for him somehow.

I have spent my life living in the past or future, either caught up in regret and wistfulness or stretching hopefully toward greener grass. But my rooting has now come, on the occasion I would choose both to forget and to fast forward. And while I sit—an hour, a week, a hundred years goes by.

Seven days ago I saw ahead a difficult but likely order of events. The truth has stopped me in my tracks. It has prioritized the detail of my life. It has put in stark relief the true and the superfluous, the solemn and silly. I see now that I saw only darkly.

I say I know, say I believe, but have I ever really? Have I ever let the knowing change me now? I have made promises, but does love—fully present, fully alive—touch the people I brush up against each day? It seems that I have always let the past and future nudge away now's opportunity. It seems I had forgotten, or perhaps never really known, that today is all I have, now is the only time.

I know this too shall pass. God willing, I will buy groceries, pay the bills, cook supper once again. I know the times will change ... I hope that I do not.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Scott and I want you to know we are thinking/praying for Levi throughout the day.
Mindi and Scott

gosoonersjy said...

Pressing on in prayer,

the Colemans

mburgin said...

we just had a special prayer for levi. also praying that you are blessed with sufficient strength for each new day.

much love,
mindy & family

nancy wheeler said...

Dear Lord Jesus,
We know you love Your Bee-Bi. We are confident Your Presence is there strong today. Thank You so much for the news he may be coming home as soon as next week. I miss him. Thank You for the day by day courage and strength for Matthew and Larisa. Thank You for the priviledge of prayer. Thank you that in the worst of times we come to know You best.

Glory, Honor and Praise and most of all LOVE be unto You forever.
AMEN

Anonymous said...

Larisa and Matt,

You have daily (many times each day) been in our prayers. Just got hooked up with your blog link and have a lot of catching up to do. Thank you for blogging!!

Our hearts are with you. My words are totally inadequate to express how I feel. Your words were gripping and pulled my heart only deeper in love with this little boy who we have not yet met.

We will be there March 7 and look so forward to meeting Timothy and John, as well, and seeing how much Hannah and Judah have grown!

Much love and prayers--Karen

Anonymous said...

Praying for Levi, especially today.
Jennifer (Jenmn from carolyn's boards)

Julie said...

It's so obvious from your posts that Levi has been blessed with a huge heart emotionally ... praying that it stays strong physically through today's surgery. May God bless his team with the knowledge and skill they need to be successful today. I will be thinking and praying for all of you today at 1pm.

Julie (Mindy's friend)

Anonymous said...

Larisa,
Richie Kepple (Knipple) here just wanting to let you know that Julie and I are praying and thinking of you and your family. Your words in this entry are beautiful and inspiring. I have printed and posted them at my desk to inspire me to live and love each day.

Wishing Levi a rapid recovery.
Rich & Julie Kepple